To Mother

May 11, 2014

Edited May 16, 2014- fixed some stuff and added some stuff (wow, I didn't know crying while editing was possible).

Belated Happy Mother's Day to everyone out there. This is far from the sweet, heartfelt kind usually given to devoted mothers.

I curse my instincts of editing after writing this, and no matter what I do there never seems to be a replacement for the cliches here because I'm a big ball of cliche and this is as honest as it gets. I thought poetry about my grandfather was bad for my heart, but when I wrote this in the middle of the night I cried so hard I ran out of tears. It does sound like my mom did what you'd think it would sound like and I wish I could tell you otherwise but even I'm confused myself. I don't know. The phone is fishy but the house isn't-wait I take that back. Here's the full story (caution. really long):

When I was three my mom left the country to work in Japan. My childhood was filled with phone calls and a mother who could only stay for one week every two months, and even that's tentative. In one point, there were two straight years without a phone call or a visit. Then one day, when I was in fourth grade, the phone rang and my mom wasn't there. Neither was my dad or grandmother, and my brother was asleep. I picked it up then this old woman was on the other line asking for Monica. Monica isn't my mother's name, but she told me everyone in Japan called her that so I rolled with it and knew what she meant. I told her my mom wasn't around (but she was in the Philippines), then she asked if I was her daughter, clearly shocked while whispering to other voices in Japanese. I said yes then she put down the phone. Confused, I asked my mom about it. But instead of answering, she got mad at me- saying how I ruined everything and how going back to Japan would be a complete disaster because of what I've done. I was aghast because I didn't know what she was talking about. Afterwards, I heard she wasn't doing so well at work back in Japan. I literally spent two years crying at most nights wondering what I did wrong because I was both hurt and clueless about everything. What did I do? Did I say something wrong?

I finally got the answer when I got so fed up with it I slightly rebelled in the sixth grade, which is really easy when you're a bright, cheeky honor student in the Philippines buried in books. I didn't need heavy eyeliner or alcohol, I just needed to swear and talk back to my mom in front of her friends and that was level 10. I know I sound kind of horrible back then but this was all because my mother would not explain everything. She was hurt-clearly. That's when she explained everything-sort of. She told me that she lied about not having a daughter in Japan so her clients wouldn't adopt me. Does it make sense? I don't think it does either. I did try to exert effort in explaining this bit before asking but the more I did, the more confused I got myself.

Eventually, we moved to Antipolo when this big, white house she proposed was finished. Again, I was aghast because the building (which is also the house I'm in now) is HUGE! I mean it, I am not bragging in anyway because I'm not in any way proud of it sadly. I asked her where the money came from but all she told me was "street smarts and clever decisions." Whatever the hell that means. You would probably think that she answered maybe a few questions, but no. Her answers were questions themselves. Until now she still thinks that I went back to being that sweet, innocent honor student I was when I was a kid - obviously not anymore. She sugar coats and diverts every single time. It's so UNBELIEVABLE!

I know she's my mother and I probably should try to understand but how can I when it all just doesn't make any sense? I want to. I really, desperately want to, but I can't. I've tried opening up to her about this but same old, same old sugar coat. you may think I hate my mom but I don't. I love my mother so much and I appreciate the roads she's been through just for us but it's sad when she's too persistent and stubborn to tell me just how far she went and what road she took. Until now it isn't over. We have her Japanese clients visit our building and I am really perplexed about it. 

I tried heart to heart but it's hard. See, this is what happens when you don't open up and let your kids be fully involved in whatever you're doing. They just end up as frustrated and angry as I do. You may think it's for their safety, but from my perspective and experience you're leading that kid to a point of no return-a big, complex maze he/she can't get out of.