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your smile is like a comma,
crooked teeth
and slanted letters

a lisp and the silence
in your lungs
with every syllable
uttered

words like tunnels
through unhinged gateways,
a voice scratching
rust

the eagerness
hitting a bump on the tracks;
discontinued-


to continue again...
10/7/13

LAZY TITLES GALORE! xD

:bulletblue: Does the title bother you as a reader?
:bulletblue: Poem's a bit too hipster?
:bulletblue: Is the lack of capitalization annoying? (It's this style I can't seem to rub off and it's annoying me, just let me know if it ruins my work).
:bulletblue: Does the first and second stanza harmonize each other? How's the rhyming?
:bulletblue: How are the line breaks in the last stanza? off-putting? Jarring at least?
:bulletblue: Speaking of the last stanza, is it off-putting to the poem overall? Does it connect?

featured in:
:bulletblue: hypermagical's Watchers Feature #3
:bulletblue: Lady-Yume's The Dreaming Corner ~ vol. 02
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:iconseraphiclungs:
seraphiclungs Featured By Owner May 8, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Whooooa. That first line completely reeled me in and my eyes couldn't leave the screen or even blink until the end. So concise and yet abstract, and I'm loving the array of syntax that you use here. :heart:
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:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner May 26, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much and I'm so sorry for the late reply xD
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:iconseraphiclungs:
seraphiclungs Featured By Owner May 29, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
No need to apologize! <3
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:iconcality:
cality Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
'your smile is like a comma,' :heart:

I don't mind the title and I like the way it ties in with the first line of the poem. :nod:
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:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
my inbox sucks :|

thank you :heart:
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:iconcality:
cality Featured By Owner Mar 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Ha. =P

My pleasure. :huggle:
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:iconshehrozeameen:
shehrozeameen Featured By Owner Oct 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Bullet; Blue Does the title bother you as a reader?
Your title is so different, I swear. The only other poem which came as close as you did in terms of it theme was "Silence" by Zark123. And that was a troll, this isn't: Its sweet.
Bullet; Blue Poem's a bit too hipster?
All I know is, this poem has a soft, sweet, and innocent voice to it, which again, has a sublliminal hint of sarcasm and anger being addressed. All I know is that the surface is barely scratched when read casually.
Bullet; Blue Is the lack of capitalization annoying? (It's this style I can't seem to rub off and it's annoying me, just let me know if it ruins my work).
e.e. cummings never used capitals either. I like it as is... it feels subdued, but intense in its delivery. Its nice. Really nice.
Bullet; Blue Does the first and second stanza harmonize each other? How's the rhyming?
They flow well, but from a technical perspective, they're not... "harmonizing" or "rhyming". They flow in their own pace, and make ends meet in their own capacity. But frankly speaking, they manage to construe the image you have in mind.
Bullet; Blue How are the line breaks in the last stanza? off-putting? Jarring at least?
I like 'em. Gives a waiting period before the person simply decides on going all in and letting that person know about what they've actually been told. Which is why they have a strong abstraction flowing out of 'em.
Bullet; Blue Speaking of the last stanza, is it off-putting to the poem overall? Does it connect?
Which is where I'll conclude what I mean to say: To me, the comma here - represented by your poem - a person who is hollow, easily readable, and has nothing to show or hide. Just like a comma is used to basically... bring together differing nouns or verbs together into a similarity, or couple situations together... the comma here is basically showing that the person's going through routine (why I always wind up thinking its a she, I don't know) wherein it has become a usual part of their lives to simply... run on routine. Which is why its an abstraction: We don't know what's the routine, we assume it as we read along. Which is where the hint of sarcasm and anger is addressed - a person who lives for the moment, and essentially couples things when the time comes, is someone who cannot be trusted, which is why they are who they are.

All in all, a nice poem. Really made me think there. :)
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:iconrhetoricism:
Rhetoricism Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2013   Writer
I don't know how to put bullet points and I'm too lazy to find out so have some :la : instead.

:la: The title didn't bother me. I was a little confused at first, but once I'd read the poem, I figured out it was a relevant thing and not just you being a massive lazy jerkface.

:la: It's not hipster, and I don't even know what a hipster is supposed to be and this fascination with hipsters has to stop, this generation is so self-referential and grump grump old-man-complaints.

:la: Poetry in lowercase is something almost literally never notice. I think we have better things to worry about in poetry than whether or not we have some errant capitals. That's more a geography sort of thing, no?

:la: The words and the rhythm harmonize effectively. In the second and third stanza, I particularly like the way the fourth single-word-line sort of 'drops' off the rhythm of the rest. If that makes sense.

:la: I'm not too sure about the last stanza, tbh. It doesn't seem to mesh as well with the rest of the poemetry, but I think it's more word-choice and word-sound than the line breaks.

Wonderful poemetry, very good overall theme and meshery. With the exception of the fourth stanza, it really does feel like a fully coherent, shifting whole. Also for some reason it makes me want pancakes.
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2013
Comment creeping: I think this is the first time I've seen someone use las as bullet points. :XD:
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:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I know xD These are the best bullets evah! xD
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013
:iconaaaahplz:
Reply
:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz::iconepiclaplz:
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013
:fear: 

I was not prepared for this outcome.
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:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
*evil laugh*
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2013
:la: :iconscaredplz:
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:iconrhetoricism:
Rhetoricism Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2013   Writer
I can't hear you over all this :la:
:iconepiclaplz: :iconexcitedlaplz: :iconlawooplz: :iconepicexcitedlaplz:
:iconlachoirplz: :iconlascaleplz: :icontuneslaplz:
:iconlafartplz: :iconfatlaplz: :iconsophisticatedlaplz:
:iconcatlaplz: :iconxdlaplz: :iconlavuvuzelaplz:
:iconshakelaplz: :iconladanceplz: :icongigglelaplz:
:iconguitarlaplz: :iconhitlerlaplz: :iconeagerlaplz:
:iconlaplz:
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:iconbrokengod--veins:
brokengod--veins Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
dem las

*dies happy*
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2013
You are awesome. 
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:iconrhetoricism:
Rhetoricism Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2013   Writer
:iconblushplz:
I do my best :3
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2013
:icononiononionplz: 

:la:
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:iconhaphazardmelody:
haphazardmelody Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
-I like the title. It caught my attention.
-I don't think this poem is really that hipster...but I agree with ~ellathepirate, hipster would not be bad. It's good. :) It's a good poem.
-It doesn't bother me at all. I think it works well because there's not capitalization to inhibit flow here, actually.
-It all works. :)
-I like the line breaks in the last stanza; I do find it a little jarring, which I feel like helps to get your point across.
-Last stanza works well to tie it all together.
Reply
:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2013  Professional Writer
I like this... :clap:
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:iconanobrain:
anobrain Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2013
:bulletblue: no, i think it's different, which is nice. it caught my eye, anyway.
:bulletblue: i think it's original, which is a good thing. the question is worded to make the implication that hipster is a bad thing, which this poem is definitely not. a bad thing, i mean. (that was a really badly worded sentence sry)
:bulletblue: not at all, i myself prefer all poetry in lowercase whether reading or writing it, which is just a personal preference, and i don't know why. i think it's a difficult habit to drop.
:bulletblue: i think they work very well together!
:bulletblue: i think the line breaks here give a good effect. the way you have put "discontinued-" on it's own is great.
:bulletblue: although the last stanza has a somewhat different feel to the others, i think that it still connects. it still works, it's not as if it sticks out or ruins the poem. if anything, i think it adds to it.

overall, this is a really lovely piece, sweetie! how i have missed your work. :huggle::heart:
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