Follow me on twitter or whatever does you fancy (Twitter poetry's good though, that I've discovered).: @ kriz_Sn
And to think being here in high school took a blow in my social and mental conditions, my experiences in uni has gone from bad to worse. My self-confidence has dropped substantially and my anxiety just turned haywire. The profs who thought I were a promise now think I'm a joke because of this, and seriously that's bad enough considering they know the course I'm taking (Psychology -_-). I've been stripped of coffee for almost a month (to lessen the impulse of my nerves and circulatory system when I get nervous) and now I know what extreme rehab feels like (yep--I'm literally a caffeine zombie without the caffeine. I used that word right, this is no metaphor). To make things worse, there's this bitch who feels like she's the smartest ass in the world but isn't. She picks on everyone but has devoured me most of the time (if not me, anyone else who stands out). I know I'm socially anxious but really people like her are the kind I overcame worrying about (progress, thank goodness), but she's been picking on a lot of my friends and it has gone far enough. Since my family and I plan for a better uni, punching her guts out isn't an option. Confronting her was rendered useless (she turns into this sort of puppy :/ ).
Somehow, my group of friends has made me feel a lot iffy about myself. They mean well, they really do (2 years isn't a waste of friendship) but lately they've been...how do I say this...doubtful? Nope. They deliver the kind of island feeling where I just feel so out of place and highly unwelcome. Probably it's due to my awkward nature but in any way it was just downright sad. Then one day I asked them what their problem was but the responses were various.
"We're teaching you how to be strong. It's why we act like snobs towards you sometimes. We're your friends and we care, that's why. We understand your anxiety but we also understand your need to conquer it. Just stand up."
"We're helping you learn how to cope with reality. You're not a baby anymore."
"Are you sure you're alright with us? Just remember that we're here for you."
It's different when there are friends like this. Makes uni less of a treacherous place to live in. No coffee though but it's all coping up.
So is it all good? Maybe
But while friends are blessings and enemies are curses, what does that make frenemies? I've had my spare of frenemies back then but this one I have in uni is just bizzare. One day we're like bffs and the next we hate each other to the core. One day we're laughing like there's no tomorrow, the next he back stabs me then I learn how to back stab him. He's the absolute gradation of a frenemy and it is just awkward. :/
Another thing: is it valid for me to say that I believe in a God but not religion? I respect people of various religious beliefs but when it comes to my relationship with God, I don't believe a religion is necessary for me to believe in him. Although my Theology prof disagrees, my belief still stands. Also, I stopped doing the sign of the cross altogether. I'm born a Roman Catholic but this has been a religious manurism I couldn't and can't sink my teeth into ever since the dawn of time. I do get the Holy Truine and the Three personas of God and all that jazz but when I think about it, this was how Nero persecuted the Jews and everyone else who believed in a Christian religion. Before crucifixion, people would do the sign of the cross in order to proceed with this cruel punishment. So why would I ask Christ to be crucified again? To save myself? He's a Savior of all, not a personal lifeboat. I am by no means religious and I know that a historical event isn't enough to defend my argument, but it still stands. I could go on and on about my reasons but I choose not to.
I did not say this just to brag and shit like that. I just want to let others know about this and, hopefully, let me know that I am not the only one who believes this.